Twenty Fifth of May

I caught it! I managed to pin it down and take a look at it before it evaporated, being by definition something incapable of surviving under the gaze of another.

Sitting there in my cubicle at work, feeling a little tired but not especially, a little depressed but not unusually so, and a little overwhelmed by everything that is and the lack of everything that isn't - sitting there I found myself slipping into a familiar state of mental silence.

Inexplicably, I was aware of it happening... everything around me started to evaporate, and I distinctly felt myself trying to hold on to some thread of conversation, some train of thought, or some sense of company -- before I end up with no distractions at all and nothing but myself.

And I couldn't, every issue became trivial and everyone became a stranger, and I was completely alone.

And for a while I lost myself to unreasonable despair.

This abstract despair didn't last, for soon enough all sorts of problems gravitated towards it and all sorts of reasons started to cling to it.

"not unlike politics", I mused, and found myself again thinking about the current affairs, and so I was back to the world of everyday, and what upset me was measurable again.

I think those few seconds are important, though, and I will remember...

when nothing was the matter with me, and that was why I despaired.

"Show's over. Go home.
You thought there could be some merit to you being here now? There isn't any.
Go make a life for yourself, or something.
Bye."

Surge of Passion

I'm a Patriot.

Okay, so you don't know what that is... fine. The term has been losing its meaning gradually for a few generations now, so I can hardly blame you. (hmm... how old am I again?)

Patriotism might be distantly related to how someone might feel towards Egypt winning The African Cup of Nations, and it might be a bit more closely related to what makes people write songs like these... but it's NOT that, it's not football and music.

It's more.

And no, it's not about our family and our circle of friends (and for Christian copts, our local Church communities)... That is a myth.

I used to believe that too, by the way. But it's not true, and take it from someone who has experienced freedom from all that, but still felt tied to Egypt more than ever.

After getting married, I am no longer that strongly attached to my bigger family, yet I am just as attached -if not more- to my Country.

And I've lost old friends, made new friends, and got separated from both old & new friends too many times, but that didn't make me feel separated from Egypt.

And for many reasons, I have almost disappeared from my local Church community, and that did not make me feel any less Egyptian.

Oh and by the way, it isn't about memories either.

After some time, memories are forgotten, or rather abstracted into impressions, or morphed into idealistic recollections.

But I'm here, now.

I'm in Egypt, today, and I have no illusions of a startlingly bright near future, nor hazy recollections of a happy childhood.

I see all the corruption around me,

and I ache with it.

And I do NOT want to leave the Country.

I want to die nursing her.

But I sometimes think that it's just me... when I talk passionately about Egypt, people start to give me a curious look like I'm talking in Hindi, or -more commonly- their eyes just start to glaze over!

And I do not get it, at all... it's not that people should have strong feelings towards their Country, it's just that I don't understand how they don't!

I actually feel I need it! I need the strong feelings, I need the fight in me to rise up when Egypt's going down, and I need the surge of passion that I get when I hear or talk about my Egypt.

I could almost see the look you're giving me now!

It'd usually be like: chill out dude!

It's funny, I used to always associate us -Egyptians- with a fiery attitude.

No, not exactly like the one following a truck crashing into your car's trunk in a traffic jam on the 6th of October bridge, but not entirely alien to it either.

That street-quarrel attitude might just be a manifestation of something we cannot fully bring to life anymore.

I don't know, but we as a whole used to care about what happens to us, and what happens to us as a whole, too.

We had passion.

Now why did that die?

I know, there are lots of reasons -almost too many- to choose from,

and may God forgive those who killed our passion, killing us.

I know, it's such a loose blog entry, and I've gone on for too long.

But I have one more question, or maybe two.

Did our Patriotism really die?

I see it in many places, though sometimes indirectly. (I would argue -a lot- that this is true, unbridled Patriotism)

But I swear, I can see we still ache with the Country, and in much more than a purely pragmatic manner.

I can still see us being sentimental hotheads about our Egypt sometimes.

Is that real? And if it is, what is preserving it against everything else smothering it??

Yes, I finally succumbed to the temptation of the blogging world, which is to ramble on for a while & call my rambling a blog post.

Yes, this blog post will be as just about as useful as a new release of Microsoft Windows, as deep as a Paulo Coelho novel, and as intelligent as... oh nevermind.

I think I hated school because I hated the feeling that I need to 'prepare', that I can't just face the challenge & be done with it without an agonizing period of preparation, plus the ridiculous and stressful idea that this challenge (& hence the preparation period) can ruin my life in some way or another.

I know of course that people shouldn't merely study for the exam... but that is just talk, the way our education is set up.

Back to the point, or its apparent lack-of...

Ok, so it's not apparent!