Felt bored of life & wished for a change. & prayed for it, too.
Change came in a phonecall, next thing I knew I was travelling the world for a job. My friends thought that was impressive & exciting. So did I at first.
Now I'm all alone, it's remarkable how fancy things are rubbish when you have nobody to share them with. It's like using a silk mop with a gold handle, completely pointless.
And so I lost all desire for... anything!
So I wished for desire, some surge of passion was what I needed, even if I didn't admit it to myself or voice out that wish.
Passion came, it felt like fireworks made of stars & entire solar systems. a cosmic party inside me.
Then I'm not really sure what happened, I was burning like a sun, then I just died out...
I was feeling all alone again.
Wished I can talk to somebody,
then they called me on the phone, my old friends. With their happy voices. I'm not sure what they were saying, all I heard was "we're part of a group, at least for tonight!" & all I thought of was "I'm not, I'm alone". & that loneliness grew sharper.
Now I'm bored, I don't feel like I have won anything, and I don't want anything anymore.
I don't have a home, & I don't want any of the options offered as substitutes.
I don't want to want anything, even friends.
I know that all sounds ungrateful, but I can't feel anything else.
I don't even want to wish for things to go back to how they were... No, thank you!
You know why?
because my wishes come true!
& I don't like how that had been turning out for me!
Change came in a phonecall, next thing I knew I was travelling the world for a job. My friends thought that was impressive & exciting. So did I at first.
Now I'm all alone, it's remarkable how fancy things are rubbish when you have nobody to share them with. It's like using a silk mop with a gold handle, completely pointless.
And so I lost all desire for... anything!
So I wished for desire, some surge of passion was what I needed, even if I didn't admit it to myself or voice out that wish.
Passion came, it felt like fireworks made of stars & entire solar systems. a cosmic party inside me.
Then I'm not really sure what happened, I was burning like a sun, then I just died out...
I was feeling all alone again.
Wished I can talk to somebody,
then they called me on the phone, my old friends. With their happy voices. I'm not sure what they were saying, all I heard was "we're part of a group, at least for tonight!" & all I thought of was "I'm not, I'm alone". & that loneliness grew sharper.
Now I'm bored, I don't feel like I have won anything, and I don't want anything anymore.
I don't have a home, & I don't want any of the options offered as substitutes.
I don't want to want anything, even friends.
I know that all sounds ungrateful, but I can't feel anything else.
I don't even want to wish for things to go back to how they were... No, thank you!
You know why?
because my wishes come true!
& I don't like how that had been turning out for me!
u know
ReplyDeleteinside me i still have the same wish,
although i tasted the " being lonely " feeling and didn't love it.
But still i dream of the same wish , don't really know why
and i alreadyy know that i'll regret it if ever it comes to be a truth
i remeber the words of jahin
لا تجبر الانسان و لا تخـــــــــيره
يكفيه ما فيه من عقل بيحيــــــره
اللي النهارده بيطلبه و يشتهــــيه
هو اللي بكره ح يشتهي يغيـــــره
عجبي !!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletefrom an proud-to-be Egyptian girl, who lives your words every second in each and every cell of her body, her spirit and the spaces between them!... who misses her untidy room and her friends who never called her...
ReplyDeletewho misses even the rubbish in her street...
the smell of the bread... and the egyptian sun!
who followed her dreams.. and now wants them to follow her back!
" Thank you "
Nantes - France
No... thank YOU Xou.
ReplyDeleteMay God help you find all you're looking for.
"it's remarkable how fancy things are rubbish when you have nobody to share them with"
ReplyDeletethis is very true... I travel a lot too... and I know exactly what you mean cause I can clearly taste it when I'm in that hotel room at night, alone... thought I know all my family is there for me, and there's a God who cares for me... and a lot of others envy me for what I have...
I wish I can eliminate this feeling of loneliness to enjoy all the things around me reminding myself that others envy me...
but I remember that we were not created to grow "alone"... we are meant to "share" everything to taste happiness...
"
ReplyDeletebut I remember that we were not created to grow "alone"... we are meant to "share" everything to taste happiness...
"
I know... I thought of the same thing. We're not meant to enjoy paradise alone, it loses colour.